Growing up I was a nervous, shy and anxious child I loved sport especially running mainly because that's the only thing I was good at I wasn't exactly book smart.
I grew up in a small village where everyone new everyone, my friends were friends since I was a toddler it was a lovely place to grow up in.
I began to have an eating disorder when I was in high school I hated the way I looked and my confidence at got lower and my anxiety got higher. I didn't have a good experience in high school with my education, friends and hating myself.
I began to diet when I was 11 -13 I would lose weight before Christmas so I didn't get fat from all the yummy food, it didn't become a more of a problem till I was 14 where I wasn't happy and thought is all I have to do lose weight.
so I began stopping eating at the chippy at lunch and eating junk I was working out more I had one good friend slept over at mine and the next morning I made her run around the green at the back of my house. She wasn't impressed but that was the only thing that made me happy running, running from my problems running away from my self .
The summer holidays came and went and I was dreading going back to school I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the feeling I have every day just the thought of school made me feel sick and filled with dread..I managed to go for the first days it was our year where we chose what we wanted to study, I picked different to my other friends so I was in classes with people I liked, though I had some good friends in the classes with me id had such a terrible few years I just didn't want to be their any more. I no longer wanted to be at school so I stopped going my mum would drag me out of bed she even chased me around the green but wasn't fast enough to catch me.
after a few weeks of my mum trying to get me to go I had the school head come to my house.
this is the man that wouldn't let me change form because I was the trouble starter as he thought.
He came sit on my bed as I wouldn't go down stairs my mum was there we weren't alone .
He began to ask me why I said i just don't want to be there I said I just didn't.
he got me to agree to go back slowly I was geared up to go back the Monday on the Friday I saw one of the girls I told her I was going back and she told me don't expect any of us to hang out with you, we have new friends now. this upset me but I went and regretted it they did what they said they were gong to do so I didn't want to go back I was done with the place.
In the end they let me be home schooled, the feeling i had every morning knowing I didn't have to make an excuse not to go to school on Sundays I could be happy that i wasn't going to get that sinking feeling id dreaded. I was happy though i did miss my so called friends just because I grew up with them and i missed out on the special moments of school leavers where everyone signed their shirts and prom.
I would see people around the town bump into them but they ignored me apart from one he always said hello.
Over the next 2 years my eating was up and down then it came to going to college and I wanted to look my best so I began to diet even more it got out of control and was 7 half stone by term time.
I went to get the bus and the people I ran away from was on the bus my new start with new friends wasn't looking so new I was just glad they were doing a different course.
In my first year I made loads new friends was happy but my eating had got worse I loved losing weight and I wanted to lose more I went down to 5 half stone my mum was worried she took me to the doctors they sent a nurse to my house every week to weight me and give me calorific milk shakes as if that was going to make me put on weight.
Couple of memories that stick in my head is one when my mum made my favourite tea beans on toast she cut the toast in to squares like when I was a child but I just couldn't bring myself to eat it she burst into tears and said " why wont you eat please don't want you to die" I threw the food and it hit the wall the juice from the beans were dripping down the wall toast all over the floor and my mum crying on the floor so helpless of knot knowing what to do. I didn't like making her sad I didn't want to die I just didn't want to be fat.
Another time was when we were shopping for clothes I picked this top i thought was pretty tried it on and showed mum she just looked at me and cried there in the changing room i thought I looked nice but I could tell form her face i didn't her face said it all.
I was enjoying my first summer holidays from college my grades weren't great but I passed then one day I new something was going on I just got a feeling, I was up stairs watching Dawson's creek and mum told me to come down I took my best Friend pepper (my cat since I was 1) I was so scared I held her so tight. I went into the living room and there were 3 doctors to section me as I wasn't putting on weight I was sobbing I couldn't breath I didn't want to go I kept saying I'm not going crying begging my mum for me not to go but she just wanted me to be well so I agreed.
They didn't have a space for me at the eating disorder hospital so they put me on a mental ward they told my mum it was another eating disorder ward but it was full of crazies she wasn't aloud to go onto the ward they were people sitting around a battered old TV just staring I kept phoning my mum to come get me but she said no.
I couldn't see myself staying there the whole weekend there was a woman their with blood on her hands screaming she killed someone I was petrified I locked my door huddled in the corner and phoned my mum crying she came up the next day horrified where they put me, I stayed home till the Monday then went to the priory.
I was told if I didn't go they would section me for 28 days maybe more, so I stayed I had my own room there were 8 other girls all a lot sicker than me I had to have my blood taken every other day, given pills to take and weighed every morning in my underwear.
I was nervous the nurse told me we are looking at you who would want to see your body which didn't help my confidence and made me feel very uncomfortable
Every day we would have counselling 3 times a day a days food diary was about 3000 calories and we weren't allowed to walk, so we didn't burn off calories one girl was heard working out and she got told off.
Every night I was there 2 weeks in total I slept about 10 hours, I just led their looking out the window thinking how did i get to this place, why do they have a problem with me being slim there's nothing wrong with me.
My mum would visit every day I missed home so much and pepper id never spent more than 3 days away from her and I was heart broken not having her with me.
Each day was the same boring talking being surrounded by people that I didn't know and didn't want to be there each day trying to get out int he end I started to put on weight just to get out I put on half a stone.
my mum was late one time not her fault it was the guy who brought her which resulted in me having a panic attack, I was on the floor struggling to breath and then mum had to leave I couldn't stand the place any more.
I managed to go home for the weekend as I wasn't sleeping I missed the familiarity of home and as my mum suspected I wouldn't go back, I couldn't handle being away from home I needed help whilst I'm in my own home surround with people I trusted I think the NHS let me down before I went to hospital I asked for a councillor but they didn't provide me with one and after I left hospital they didn't bother with me, if they had given me the helped I needed years previously instead of a nurse and milk shakes my story could of been completely different.
In the end even after I left the hospital I was still suffering was 6 stone 3 for the next few years then when I was 19 I decided I didn't want to be this way any more, I had had enough of going to bed worried if I was going to wake up the next morning my mum was scared to some in my room in case I had died in the night the pain I was causing her broke my heart that's thankfully I got better and though I may wobble now and again I want to be healthy that's my main goal.
Where I am in my life now is I'm doing a degree in business studies yes the girl who hated school is getting a degree go me and health wise I'm in a good place to those out there suffering you can come out the other side I hope you get the help you need.
Eating disorders are never about food its about control i was unhappy and food was the only thing I could control.
signs someone you know may have a problem
wearing baggy clothing so you don't see how much weight is being lost
not eating with family making excuses or not eating what they usually would
low self esteem
exercising more
help sites
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
http://www.b-eat.co.uk/
